How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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