before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
