we have officially mastered the walk of shame
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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