i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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