So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
