a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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