3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
accomplished twins. life is a go
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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