I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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