my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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