i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
