Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
