He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
