My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
