he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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