i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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