can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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