The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
