I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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