I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
