Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
tell your sister to shave her snatch
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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