you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
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i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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