all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
