i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
