the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
