so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
