I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
