Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
