around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
