Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
