just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
