i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
accomplished twins. life is a go
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
