This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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