If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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