that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
