the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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