I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i think i just lost a toe
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
