I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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