Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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