Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
