Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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