I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
