I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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