Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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