He disabled his match.com account in front of me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
