toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Rumble strips road head = magical
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
