she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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