I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
