I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
