Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Randomize
