3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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