mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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