I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We left the knife in your bed.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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