you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
