: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
